is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize