Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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