why didn't you poke me back
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
