just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
