Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
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