eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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