I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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