I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
