Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
