Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
