possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
