so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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