Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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