ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
