i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
