You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
