Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
