i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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