i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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