just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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