3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Don't make out with my wife yet
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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