Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
