Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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