If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
