I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
