my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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