I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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