Your face is a jimmy john
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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