just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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