Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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