that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
