i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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