Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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