I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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