Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
