My cat gives me a boner
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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