What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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