i already hear my dad disowning me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
