ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
