you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
