Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
