Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
