How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize