dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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