Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
