Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
