All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
