Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
