on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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