In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
