I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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