I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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