Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize