Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
