I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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