im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize