I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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