my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize