The maid of honor just puked.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I did not marry a roomba.
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