Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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