I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
