My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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