I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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