Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
