if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
